Loving Our Children Biblically & Finding Joy in the Trenches of Motherhood

By Katie Faris

“The days are long, but the years are short.” This was the quintessential parenting wisdom that experienced moms gave me when my children were young. While I understood “the days are long” part, I clung to that exhortation from older moms that the little years are a short season and to make the most of them.

However good my intentions were, it didn’t take long for the exhaustion of those long days to catch up with me and for me to realize that my own limited resources were insufficient to love my children and enjoy this season the way I desired. Fears over my children’s health and safety, my impatience and anger, and unrealistic expectations for myself and my children too often blocked the way.

I needed something more.

That something more was a greater understanding of God’s love.

First, I needed a deeper understanding of His love for me as His beloved daughter. Then, I needed His love to inform how I love my own children.

God used personal Bible study, the example of godly older women, and the process of writing my book, Loving My Children: Embracing Biblical Motherhood, to help me learn truths that have sustained me spiritually and increased my joy in the trenches of motherhood.

An Instruction to Love in the Context of Love

In the book of Titus, Paul says that the older women “are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children” (Titus 2:3–4). This teaching is foundational for Christian women. But whenever there’s an imperative (“do this”) in Scripture, we should look closely for the indicative (what God has already “done”) and let it inform our actions. In this passage, why are we supposed to love our families?

When we continue reading, the instruction to love our families is embedded in the context of God’s love for us. Titus 2:14 says that our Savior Jesus Christ “gave Himself for us to redeem us.” We know from 1 John that by “this we know love, that He laid down His life for us” (3:16).

God loves us, and we know that He loves us because He gave His only Son for us. We are wives, mothers, sisters, and friends. But when we place our hope and trust in Jesus and His finished work on the cross, our primary identity is found in relationship with a loving heavenly Father who calls us His beloved daughters.

This changes everything. “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness” (Titus 2:11-12). We’re no longer just moms. We’re Christian moms. And Christian motherhood is characterized by biblical love.

A relationship with God frees us from finding our worth and significance in motherhood or anything else. The assurance of God’s love for us as His daughters sustains and encourages us for the long haul. It also answers that all-important question, “Why?”. We are to love our families because we have been loved by God.

Biblical Love for Our Children in Titus 2

God’s love informs how we love our children. When we wake up in the morning with an awareness of God’s love for us, we’re more inclined to love Him and others, the two greatest commandments (Matthew 22:37–39).

But what does biblical love for our children look like?

For our one English word love, the Greek language uses a variety of words with different shades of meaning. When Paul exhorts women to love their children, he uses phileo. I wrote about this in my book:

“Phileo functions similarly to the English word for ‘love,’ and like that word in our own language, it can express a lot of different things depending on the context in which it is used. So, when we read in the Bible that older women are to teach younger women how to ‘love’ their children, it means that they’re really teaching them how to train and discipline their children, to understand them, to treat them with affection and kindness, to welcome and befriend them, to be fond of them and even to kiss them—the whole range of actions and motives tied up with this thing we call motherly, sacrificial love, the way that we would want to be loved ourselves. That’s what it means to love our offspring in a Titus-two-kind-of-way.” (Loving My Children)

I’ve found this broad definition of love, both what it does and doesn’t say, to be very helpful in parenting. It gives hands and feet to our love—but in a nuanced way. Instead of telling us to feed our children certain kinds of food or provide a particular kind of lifestyle or to save up for an expensive family vacation, it encourages us to relate to them in a godly way in the mundane moments that make up most of motherhood. In other words, it invites us to enjoy our children.

Some Practical Ways We Love Our Children

Here are some practical ways to live out phileo love in our relationships with our children. Just never forget in your efforts to live out this love that you are not doing this alone or on your own power. God, through His Holy Spirit, is working through you, helping you to love as He loves you.

Share the Gospel

The best way I know to love my children is to share the gospel with them. Our offspring are little sinners, and Jesus is a big Savior. When they disobey, it shows how much they need Jesus. As moms, we ought to be quick to forgive any offense against us and lead our children in prayer to Jesus for forgiveness.

Love One’s Spouse

If you’re married, the way you love your spouse in front of your children can be a beautiful picture of the Gospel. Although imperfect, a Christian marriage is designed to be a living allegory of the loving relationship between Christ and the Church (read Ephesians 5). When a husband and wife love each other well, it is a blessing to their children.

Train Them

Careful training of children is meant to protect, teach, and provide security. Without being prescriptive, the Bible assumes that a loving parent disciplines a child. Check out what Hebrews 12:7–8 says: 

“It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.”

Seek to Understand

Our children are image bearers of God. Phileo includes seeking to understand them by listening, watching, and talking with them. We should get to know them and see life from their perspectives.

Show Affection

Hold babies, cuddle toddlers, and keep giving hugs, back scratches, and kisses on the forehead. Our wordless affection communicates volumes of love to our children.

Welcome Them

Whether it’s when they wake up in the morning or interrupt the book you just sat down to read, welcome them. Let your children know that they are welcome to your time, attention, and love.

Be Friendly

Smile at your children, make jokes, and laugh with them. Show interest in their projects, ideas, plans, and interests. Be their biggest cheerleader.

Like Them

Resist the urge to compare or criticize your children. Like them for who they are, even when that’s different from you, and help them grow into the people God designed them to be instead of trying to shape them into who you might want them to be.

Practice Kindness

Always. “Love is patient and kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). Model kind speech and gentle responses. Slow your pace to match a child’s when needed.

Paul doesn’t assume that this kind of love comes naturally. Rather, the older women are to “teach what is good” and “train the young women.” Remember, we love because God has loved us; but the practical application is meant to be taught and learned in Christian community. Depending on your season, find a godly older woman and pick her brain or seek out a younger woman and offer to help her. Even better, do both. There’s always someone ahead of us to learn from and someone coming after us who we can serve.

Encouragement for Overwhelmed Moms

When motherhood feels overwhelming, we remember that only “one thing is necessary” (Luke 10:42). That most important thing is what Mary discovered when she sat and listened to Jesus: a relationship with a loving God.

Jesus is our joy in the morning after middle-of-the-night feedings. He is our hope when our child receives an unwelcome medical diagnosis. He is our strength when we feel weak and weary. He is our wisdom when we don’t know what to say to a wayward child. He is our hope for struggling learners.

God’s grace is sufficient, and His “power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

“Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33).

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5–6).

Jesus invites us, “Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:29–30).

One day, there will be no more diapers, and our piles of laundry will be much smaller, but “faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13).

Come to Jesus, dear sisters, and be refreshed for motherhood. Abide in His love, and then go and love your children.