Neighborly Love: A Conversation with Alexandra Kuykendall About Loving Our Actual Neighbors

Simquily: Let’s talk about the importance of that Scripture passage in Matthew 22, and in particular Jesus’ command to love our neighbor as ourselves in verse 39. 

Alex: I can’t emphasize enough that we pay attention to Jesus’ words in Matthew 22, because Jesus said, “this is everything.” We live in a time where we’re not doing a good job of listening to each other, and we’re not doing a great job of connecting. And a lot of that is not because of a lack of desire—it’s a lack of remembering how. Loving My Actual Neighbor is a book about the how and the how to start. 

Sometimes, if we have the perception that someone is different than us, the perception can get in the way of connection, which leads to relationship. We can hunker down with the people who think like us and live like us because it’s more comfortable, but I think we want those perceived “difficult” relationships—and this is a book about how to push into the difficult. Because once we get going in relationship and in conversation, momentum picks up and the natural parts of the relationship move it forward. 

Simquily: So who exactly is our “neighbor”?

Alex: Well, everyone, right? But I especially think of those people we have the ability to do life with and be in their presence, whether it’s a co-worker, a fellow parent, or the person living across the street from us. Jesus came to be with us in His presence. And it’s that incarnational element we’re losing the more digital we become. So, this neighbor relationship we’re talking about has to have an incarnational element to it, because there is something different about looking someone in the eye.

Simquily: Now that we understand who we’re talking about when it comes to “our neighbor,” what does it mean to love our neighbor as ourself?

Alex: We have to remember that the very nature of sin is that we are self-focused. We look at ourselves and we want to self-protect. We want to create comfort for ourselves, and we want to know that we’re important. If we look at those attributes—that we are naturally inclined to love and protect ourselves—we need to ask whether we’re doing the same for our neighbor. Are we naturally turning to protect them? to put our arms around them? to comfort them? This outward focus goes against our very nature and how we’re hard-wired. Loving our neighbors takes discipline and practice. And that’s why I laid out seven practices in the book. We’re never going to do anything perfectly, but the more we do them, the more natural they’ll become.

Alex’s 7 Practices to Treasure the People Right in Front of You 

1. Holding a Posture of Humility

2. Asking Questions to Learn

3. Being Quiet to Listen

4. Standing in the Awkward

5. Accepting What Is

6. Lightening Up

7. Giving Freely

Naturally, I wanted to know how long it took for these practices to become natural for Alex. Her laugh was immediate. I half expected her guffaw in response to my question because as she had said earlier, loving someone else as we love ourselves goes against our natural self. But then we talked about grace. Praise God for His unending grace and for giving us the Holy Spirit, who gives us the power to love. Graciously, Alex did share one of the seven practices that’s most difficult for her.

Alex: For some of us, based on personality and life experience, some of these practices are going to come easier than others—and they’re going to be different for different people. For me, the hardest one, going into this and still now, is the practice of lightening up and not taking myself too seriously—or not taking certain subjects like theology or politics too seriously. I can go really deep really fast—it’s how I’m wired. And while there are benefits to being able to go deep and have hard conversations with a total stranger and be absolutely comfortable with it, I also need to remember that not everyone is desiring that level of intensity. I need to recognize the value in lightening up.

But for other people, the opposite is true. It’s hard for them to get uncomfortable. They want to keep everything fun, and as soon as it’s not fun anymore they want to move on. For each of us, we have practices that come more naturally. For me, I’m more aware of lightening up and trying to be more mindful.

“It’s important to look at these practices not just from an individual standpoint but also a communal standpoint. How can I help make these practices more palpable not only in my individual life but also in my corporate life?” 

At the end of Loving My Actual Neighbor, Alex offers a four-week challenge to help move us toward love for our neighbors. (You can also download this challenge from her website.) She lists twenty-eight ideas, and while some might push us outside our comfort zones or encourage us to do something that’s right in our wheelhouses, every idea serves as a way to help us better love to our neighbors.

Simquily: On day 3 of your “Four-Week Challenge to Love Your Neighbors,” you challenge us to leave our phones at home and offer the world our undivided attention. What do you envision happening as a result of us leaving our phones at home?

Alex: I will say, as a mom, it is hard for me to leave my phone at home if my children are not with me. I like having my phone with me in case of an emergency. And so, a modified version could be this: have your phone with you but put it in a place where you are not reaching for it. Essentially, it’s the discipline of not reaching for your phone. And this is something I am truly working on myself. I have realized how often I go to my phone for that ten seconds of boredom: that standing in the grocery store line or sitting at a stoplight. It’s a practice to not reach for it. And so, it’s easier to do when your phone is not within arm’s reach.

When I put this on the list, what I was envisioning was people looking up instead of down. Now, we want to capture every moment—I’m guilty of this too—with our phones by taking pictures and videos. But sometimes we just need to experience something and not capture it. I think leaving our phones at home will allow us to do this. And then we start noticing details more—that’s what giving the world our undivided attention is. For example, I recently went on a walk with my mom, and I had my phone with me, but I zipped it in my coat pocket. It was beautiful out, and I noticed the blue sky and the birds and the sunshine on my face—all because I wasn’t on Facebook.

Simquily: On Day 11, you encourage us to introduce ourselves to a neighbor. What icebreaker ideas do you have to help us take that first step and randomly knock on a neighbor’s door to say hello?

Alex: It’s always good to have a purpose—it gives you a reason to introduce yourself to a neighbor. It could be something as simple as knocking on someone’s door to say, “Hey did you know that trash day was moved from Friday to Saturday because of the holiday? By the way, my name is . . .” and you can introduce yourself! I will say that people with dogs and kids are at an advantage—because they’re cute! A child bringing over cookies feels a lot less awkward than an adult bringing over cookies. So, I would say, if you have children or dogs, use them to your advantage!

Whoever you are, though, find the common ground and use it. For example, my husband is a huge University of Colorado—Boulder fan, so we have a CU flag that flies out front. A lot of people stop and talk to him about football because he’s put that symbol out there and it is a natural connection point. And this is where I work at lightening up. This first meet doesn’t have to be some huge or life-changing encounter. It just has to be enough to give you a reason to stop. And when you stop, introduce yourself.

Here’s another tip: Because my short-term memory is so bad, my husband and I have started writing down names when we meet new people. If I have a roster from one of my kids’ sports teams, I will write the parents’ names next to child’s name so I’m not asking them over and over again.

Simquily: When it comes to reaching out and making the first move to get to know someone new—what encouragement do you have for the established neighbor?

Alex: Whether you live in an apartment building, nursing home, or neighborhood, remember that it’s always nice to be welcomed. It may go against your introvert grain to reach out, but just like we teach our kids: do what you would like someone to do for you. It takes discipline to do this because we can get comfortable in places with which we are familiar. The person who’s lived somewhere for a while is probably feeling kind of comfortable; but here’s where getting uncomfortable and pushing yourself is part of it. And, again, use what you’ve got to your advantage. How can you give your new neighbor some insider information on where you live? You’re the expert on where the best dog park is, where the nearest grocery store is, and the fastest route to the freeway. You have the insider information, so that can be something you can offer that is practical and helpful. And it gives you an excuse to get to know somebody.

Simquily: What about if you’re the new neighbor who’s just moved in?

Alex: I think you have to be aware of whether there might be some potential dynamics that you’re not taking into account. For example, is everyone really sad that the people who used to live in your house just left? This is not something I would normally think of, but everyone else in your neighborhood or building has history with where you’re now living. Consider whether there are disputes among neighbors to which you are oblivious. Or, consider any demographic changes. For example, in our neighborhood, the prices have been going up, and as a result people who have lived here for generations can no longer afford to live here. So, just by the mere fact of who we are socioeconomically could be a tension point for someone. All that being said, I would say just be aware. When you’re getting to know your neighborhood and your neighbors, listen more than you talk. Because the more aware you are of the dynamics you’re walking into, the more you’ll be more likely to find a place where people are welcoming.

“When you’re getting to know your neighborhood and your neighbors, listen more than you talk.” 

And so this concept can be transferred to other definitions of neighbor: it could be that you have a new job and the person before you got fired or demoted. Or, on a team. I come into contact with a ton of parents on sports teams and that situation is chock-full of dynamics. This idea can be expanded past the physical neighborhood into where ever you’re entering a new group and wanting to get to know people—just read the room, as they say.

Simquily: On Day 27, you challenge us to make a list of qualities we appreciate about our hard-to-love neighbors. So we make the list, and then what?

Alex: And then, we go back to it. Really, those qualities you list are what you will have to fall back on time and time again. And this is true in our marriages, in parenting, and with our extended families. You go back to those things that make you think about the reasons you can love someone. With a neighbor, it might look something like this: “Ok, the reason I can love you—I may not be feeling it right now, because I feel angry, exhausted, frustrated—but I appreciate that last week you picked your dog poop up when you walked by.” Sometimes it’s so silly, but it’s just a fallback so you’re not constantly angry and bitter.

Simquily: On Day 16, you challenge us to create a welcoming space at our entryways. What do you consider to be a welcoming space? 

Alex: I think it depends on who you’re trying to welcome, and so keep that in mind. This can be true for an individual home or apartment, but it can also be true for larger community spaces: a church, school, etc. Are we trying to welcome people who don’t speak or read English? How are we welcoming them into this space? That might not be true at my front door, but maybe! But definitely at my church we’re thinking like that.

We have a neighbor who lives behind us who uses a cane, and she comes over quite often. And while I’m not going to build a ramp for her, I can make sure our driveway is as clear of ice as much as possible because I know that’s how she will cut across to our yard. It’s important to think about who you are trying to welcome and if your door is even accessible.

Does your space feel like a place where someone could stay for a minute? On our front porch we have two chairs. It creates this sense of “stay for a minute, get comfortable,” and with all things hospitality it’s saying, “I had you in mind.” I can’t think of anything more Christ-like than setting up a message that says “I had you in mind, and I want you to be here.” If you can do seating, great. If not, maybe you choose to make it beautiful with flowers or a welcome mat that’s cuter than no welcome mat. It’s doesn’t have to be elaborate, but do what you can to create a space that makes someone feel that they not only want to be there, in this space with these people, but also that you want them there. 

This is a bit of a side story, but I read a great op-ed piece last week about political candidates and whether people would want to have a beer with them. A poll was asking whether someone would want to hang out with a particular candidate. The person who wrote the op-ed said the question should be flipped because the candidates that do the best make people believe, deep down, something along the lines of, “That candidate would want to have a beer with me.” What this poll is showing is that I matter enough to this candidate that they would take me, my concerns, and my perspective seriously. It’s an illustration that shows how we’re yearning for mutual respect that seems to be gone—at least at the level that we nostalgically talk about it. And maybe it’s always been this way, but in my lifetime, it feels like we are losing mutual respect. So that sense of “you want me here” is showing a dignity and respect to our neighbors.

Simquily: To end, let’s talk about the podcast you co-host because it goes along with Loving My Actual Neighbor quite well. Please tell us a bit about The Open Door Sisterhood Podcast.  

Alex: The podcast really is about helping people take that next step: to be world changers for good right where we are. We truly, truly believe that God has placed us each in a place of influence, and where that is for me is different from you. And that bleeds into this idea in the book. God has placed us where we are. We have free will in it, and we’ve made decisions that have molded, for example, where we live, but within that, He always gives us opportunities to live out those two important commandments: love God and love our neighbors as ourselves. It really does not matter our circumstances. 

We are told by Jesus that this is important. He didn’t say, “Do it when you have enough time. Do it when it’s convenient. Do it when your budget feels extra flush. He said, just do it because it’s what life is about.” And I think if we took it more seriously, we would see two things: our own lives shift (because they shift every time we give someone our undivided attention and value them and offer them dignity by being present with them); but I also think that corporately and culturally we can change the more we love our neighbors as ourselves.